Twisted thoughts

What the hell am I doing here?
Right now, just wishing you were near
But why do I speak as if I don't care
Being talking to him in a way I fear

Am I too desperate to feel the truth?
Acting like selling myself in a booth
Not better than drowning in self-ruth
But for sure no way is really smooth

It's all a game of time and time
Acting like this to him is crime
I don't want him to be mine
Even I'm doing a very good mime

For I cannot reach you just now
And I have to go on and be prow
Deep in my heart is a wind's sough
Trying to tell me what to do and how

I don't want to hear the cruel voice
Telling me I have never had a choice
But holding on at you, my saving joist
No other way to ever again rejoice